Grief and Loss: How to Cope and Why You Can't Just Pull Yourself Together

The Kübler-Ross Model: 5 Stages of Grief and Its Critique

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages of coping with terminal illness and loss in her 1969 book «On Death and Dying»: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

This model became embedded in culture — quoted in films, books, and everyday conversation. The problem is that people often take it literally: «I need to go through these stages in order, and then grief will be over.»

Kübler-Ross never claimed this. Contemporary researchers' critique includes several key points:

• The stages are not linear or universal. Many people don't experience all five, and not in any particular order.
• The model was developed for people facing their own death, not for those who have lost a loved one.
• The absence of certain «stages» (e.g., anger) can make people feel they're «grieving wrong.»
• The idea of «acceptance» as an endpoint creates the false expectation that grief «ends.»

The Kübler-Ross model is useful as a description of possible experiences, but not as a prescription or schedule.

The Dual Process Model by Stroebe and Schut: A More Accurate View

Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed a more nuanced model in 1999 that better describes the actual experience of grief. It's called the Dual Process Model (DPM).

According to this model, a bereaved person oscillates between two orientations:

Loss Orientation

The person is focused on the loss itself: grieving, remembering the deceased, experiencing the pain of separation, working through questions of identity («who am I now that they're gone?»). This is a necessary part of grief.

Restoration Orientation

The person takes a break from grief: dealing with practical matters (finances, paperwork, daily logistics), building a new identity, re-engaging with life. This is also a necessary part.

The model's key insight: healthy grieving is the oscillation between these two orientations. Days when things feel okay don't mean you're not grieving «properly.» Waves of pain in the middle of a calm day are also normal. Grief is non-linear, and this is not pathology.

What's Normal in Grief: Numbness, Anger, and «Bargaining»

One of the most important things to know about grief: almost everything is normal. Here are some experiences people often mistake for pathology:

Numbness and Unreality

In the first days and weeks after a loss, many people describe feeling «as if in a dream» — they function and manage necessary tasks, but the reality of what happened doesn't feel real. This is psychological protection: the brain doses pain to prevent being overwhelmed all at once. It's normal.

Anger

Anger at the deceased («Why did you leave me?»), at doctors, at God, at random strangers — a common and normal response. Anger is a form of love, an expression of the pain of loss. Allowing yourself to be angry doesn't mean betraying the person who died.

Bargaining and Guilt

«If only I had been there...», «If only I had done things differently...» — the brain searches for control where there is none, because this is less frightening than accepting randomness and inevitability. Guilt and bargaining are ways of coping with powerlessness.

Temporary Relief and Even Joy

Laughing at a funeral, feeling relief after the death of a long-suffering loved one, enjoying a meal or a movie in the middle of grief — all of this is normal. Grief does not require a constant display of suffering.

Sensing the Presence of the Deceased

Hearing their voice, seeing a familiar silhouette in a crowd, smelling their scent — a common experience in the first months after loss. This is not pathology or psychosis. It's how the brain adapts to the absence of someone who was part of its «expected reality.»

Complicated Grief: When You Get Stuck

Most people navigate grief without professional help, though support from loved ones and community is important. However, for some people grief takes a prolonged form that clinicians call «complicated grief» or «Prolonged Grief Disorder» (PGD).

Signs of complicated grief (if they persist beyond 6–12 months and significantly impair functioning):

• Inability to accept the fact of the loss, a persistent sense of unreality
• Bitter anger or bitterness connected to the loss
• Inability to trust others since the loss
• Feeling that life is meaningless without the deceased
• Inability to experience positive emotions
• Avoiding everything that serves as a reminder of the deceased — or conversely, compulsively clinging to memories

Complicated grief is treatable: specialized approaches (Complicated Grief Treatment, Prolonged Grief Disorder therapy) show high effectiveness. If you recognize yourself in these signs, please reach out to a professional.

How to Support a Grieving Person: What to Say and What Not to Say

Many people, wanting to help, say things that unintentionally minimize the grieving person's pain. Here's a practical guide:

What to say

• «I'm so sorry. I'm here.»
• «I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I'm here.»
• «Tell me about him/her.» (Giving someone the opportunity to talk about the deceased is one of the most valuable gifts.)
• «What do you need right now?» (And be ready for any answer, including «nothing.»)
• Simply be present — you don't need to say anything; just being there matters.

What not to say

• «Everything will be okay» — you don't know that, and it minimizes the present pain.
• «They're in a better place now» — even if you believe this, it doesn't necessarily comfort someone who has lost them.
• «You need to be strong for the children/family» — this forbids the person from grieving.
• «I know how you feel» — you don't. Every loss is unique.
• «It's been so long already» — grief has no schedule.
• «You need to move on» — the person will decide when they're ready.

The most valuable thing you can do is show up consistently: not just in the first days, but a month later, six months later. Most people receive support in the early days but are left alone precisely when the acute phase has passed and grief continues.

Resources and Practices for Moving Through Loss

Rituals and Remembrance

Rituals — funerals, memorial services, anniversaries — serve an important psychological function: they create collective acknowledgment of the loss and give structure to the experience. Creating personal remembrance rituals (a candle on the birthday, visiting a favorite place, writing a letter) helps maintain a connection with the deceased without getting stuck in grief.

Permission to Grieve

One of the most destructive myths is that grief must be «overcome» quickly and alone. Grief requires time and witnesses. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself not to be «okay.»

Physical Self-Care

In the acute phase of grief, basic functions — eating, sleeping, moving — are often disrupted. This is normal. But where possible, maintain a minimal routine: one meal a day, a short walk. Body and mind are connected.

Support Groups

Talking with people who have experienced a similar loss offers something even the closest friends can't: the feeling of «you are not alone in this,» understanding without explanation. Grief support groups exist in most major cities and online.

Psychotherapy

Therapy is not only for complicated grief. A therapist can be a valuable «container» for experiences that are hard to share with loved ones (so as not to burden them). Approaches showing effectiveness for grief: CBT, narrative therapy, EMDR (for traumatic loss).

Grief is the price of love. It is not an illness to be cured, and not a weakness to be overcome. It is a normal, if agonizing, part of human life. And, paradoxically, the very capacity to grieve bears witness to our capacity to love.